Frank How do you do, I See you've met my Faithful handyman. He's just a little brought down Because when you knocked He thought you were the candyman. Don't get strung out by the way I look. Don't judge a book be its cover. I'm not much of a man by the light of day But by night I'm one hell of a lover. I'm a just a sweet transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvania. Let me show you around Maybe play you a sound. You look like you're both pretty groovy. Or if you want something visual That's not too abysmal, We could take in an old Steve Reeves Movie Brad I'm glad we caught you at home, Could we use your phone? We're both in a bit of a hurry. Janet Right. Brad We'll just say where we are, Then go back to the car. We don't want to be any worry Frank Well you got caught with a flat, well, how 'bout that? Well, babies, don't you panic. By the light of the night it'll all seem all right. I'll get you a satanic mechanic. I'm just a sweet transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvania. Why don't you stay for the night? Riff Raff Night. Frank Or maybe a bite? Columbia Bite. Frank I could show you my favorite obsession. I've been making a man With blond hair and a tan And he's good for relieving my ... tension. I'm just a sweet transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvania. HIT IT, HIT IT! I'm just a sweet transvestite Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta Sweet transvestite Frank From Transsexual, Frank, Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta Transylvania. Frank So , Come up to the lab, And see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici - (Three seconds) pation. But maybe the rain Isn't really to blame. So I'll remove the cause ... (Chuckles) But not the symptom. (applause) (Brad and Janet are given towels) Janet Thank you. Brad Thank you very much. (Columbia and Riff Raff start to undress Brad and Janet) Janet Oh! Brad! Brad It's all right Janet. We'll play along for now and pull out the aces when the time is right. Columbia Slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush. Brad Hi, my name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee, Janet Weiss; You are... Columbia You're very lucky to be invited to Frank's laboratory. Some people would give their right arm for the privilege. Brad People like you maybe? Columbia Ha! I've seen it. (Riff Raff pours wine into a glass, takes a swig from the bottle, and lets it drop after Columbia says "Shift it!") Riff Raff Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting. Magenta Shift it. (Riff drops the bottle) (Janet screeches - the elevator goes up) Janet Is he - Frank, I mean - your husband? Riff Raff The master is not yet married, nor do I think he ever shall be. We are simply his servants. Janet Oh. Frank Magenta, Columbia go assist Riff Raff . I will entertain... uh huh huh... (chuckle) (camera shows Brad) Brad Brad Majors. And this is my fiancee, Janet "Vice". Janet Weiss. Brad Weiss? um Frank Enchante. (Janet giggles) Frank Well! How nice. And what charming underclothes you both have. But here. Put these (smocks) on. They'll make you feel less vulnerable It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them... hospitality Brad Hospitality?! All we asked was to use your telephone, Goddammit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore. Janet Brad, don't be ungrateful. Brad Ungrateful! Frank How forceful you are, Brad. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So... dominant (crowd has a flurry of laughs). You must be awfully proud of him, Janet. Janet Well, yes I am. (giggles) Frank Do you have tattoos, Brad? Brad Certainly not! Frank Oh well, how about you? (to Janet) Janet No. (giggling) Riff Raff Everything is in readiness, master . We merely await your (pause) word. Frank Tonight, my unconventional conventionists... you are to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research... and paradise is to be mine... It was strange the way it happened... suddenly you get a break... whole pieces start to fit into place, not a sign of being... what a fool! The answer was there all the time it took a small accident to make it happen... AN ACCIDENT! Magenta & Columbia An accident! Frank And that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient that spark that is the breath of life... Yes, I have that knowledge... I hold the secret... to life... itself! You see... you are fortunate for tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be born! Up now! Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator... and step up the reactor power three more points! Janet Oh brad! Brad It's all right Janet. (colorful fluids, etc. in the order Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet) (Rocky emits some guttural garbage) Frank Oh! Rocky! Rocky The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head, And I've got the feeling that someone's gonna be cutting the thread. Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery. Oh, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer. I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed. All That ain't no crime. Rocky And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread. All That ain't no crime. Rocky My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go. And all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer. All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Rocky Oh ho no no All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Rocky Oh ho no no All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Rocky Oh ho no no The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head. All That ain't no crime. Rocky And I've got the feeling that someone's gonna be cutting the thread. All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Rocky Oh no no no All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Rocky Oh no no no All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Rocky Oh no no no (repeat until end -- Sha-la-la) All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la. Frank Well really. That's no way to behave on your first day out. Rocky Ugh Ugh (forlornly like a puppy dog) Frank But since you're such an exceptional beauty, I am prepared to forgive you. Rocky Ugh Ugh (applause) (Rocky bangs his bars) Frank Oh, I just love success. Riff Raff He's a credit to your genius, master. Frank Yes. Magenta A triumph of your will. Frank Yes. Columbia He's O.K. Frank O.K. (hits tank) O.K.! I think we can do better than that. Humph! Well, Brad and Janet, what do you think of him? Janet Well, I don't like a man with too many muscles. Frank I didn't make him... for you! He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval.