Frank  How do you do, I
                See you've met my
                Faithful handyman. 
                He's just a little brought down 
                Because when you knocked 
                He thought you were the candyman. 
                Don't get strung out
                by the way I look.
                Don't judge a book be its cover. 
                I'm not much of a man by the light of day 
                But by night I'm one hell of a lover.
                I'm a just a sweet transvestite
                From Transsexual, Transylvania.
                Let me show you around
                Maybe play you a sound. 
                You look like you're both pretty groovy.
                Or if you want something visual
                That's not too abysmal,
                We could take in an old Steve Reeves Movie
                Tranvestite			
          Brad  I'm glad we caught you at home,
                Could we use your phone?
                We're both in a bit of a hurry.
         Janet  Right. 
          Brad  We'll just say where we are,
                Then go back to the car. 
                We don't want to be any worry
         Frank  Well you got caught with a flat, well,
                how 'bout that? 
                Well, babies, don't you panic. 
                By the light of the night it'll all seem all right.
                I'll get you a satanic  mechanic. 
                I'm just a sweet transvestite
                From Transsexual, Transylvania.
                Why don't you stay for the night?
     Riff Raff  Night.
         Frank  Or maybe a bite?
      Columbia  Bite. 
         Frank  I could show you my favorite obsession. 
                I've been making a man
                With blond hair and a tan
                And he's good for relieving my
                ... tension.
                I'm just a sweet transvestite
                From Transsexual, Transylvania.
                HIT IT, HIT IT!
                I'm just a sweet transvestite
Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta          Sweet transvestite
         Frank  From Transsexual,
Frank, Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta   Transylvania.
                Transvestite

         Frank  So , Come up to the lab,
                And see what's on the slab.
                I see you shiver with antici - (Three seconds)
                pation.
                But maybe the rain 
                Isn't really to blame. 
                So I'll remove the cause ...
                (Chuckles)
                But not the symptom. 
                (applause)
                (Brad and Janet are given towels)

         Janet  Thank you. 
          Brad  Thank you very much. 
                (Columbia and Riff Raff start to undress Brad and Janet)
                

         Janet  Oh!  Brad!
          Brad  It's all right Janet. We'll play along for now and pull out
                the aces when the time is right.
                
      Columbia  Slowly, slowly! It's too nice a  job to rush.
                
          Brad  Hi, my name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee, Janet
                Weiss; 
                You are... 
      Columbia  You're very lucky to be invited to Frank's laboratory.
                Some people would give their right arm for the
                privilege.
                
          Brad  People like you maybe?
      Columbia  Ha! I've seen it. 
                
                (Riff Raff pours wine into a glass, takes a swig from the
                 bottle, and lets it drop after Columbia says "Shift it!")
     Riff Raff  Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.
                
       Magenta  Shift it.
                (Riff drops the bottle)
                
                (Janet screeches - the elevator goes up)
                
         Janet  Is he - Frank, I mean - your husband?
     Riff Raff  The master is not yet married, nor do I think he ever shall be.
                We are simply his servants. 
         Janet  Oh.
                
         Frank  Magenta,
                Columbia
                go assist Riff Raff .
                I will entertain...
                uh huh huh... (chuckle) 
                (camera shows Brad) 
          Brad  Brad Majors. And this is my fiancee, Janet "Vice". 
         Janet  Weiss.
          Brad  Weiss? um
         Frank  
                Enchante.
                (Janet giggles) 
         Frank  Well! How nice. 
                And what charming underclothes you both have.
                But here. Put these (smocks) on.
                They'll make you feel less
                vulnerable 
                It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer
                them... hospitality 
          Brad  Hospitality?! All we asked was to use your telephone,
                Goddammit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore.
         Janet  Brad, don't be ungrateful. 
          Brad  Ungrateful!
         Frank  How forceful you are, Brad.
                Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So... 
                dominant (crowd has a flurry of laughs).
                You must be awfully proud of him, Janet.
         Janet  Well, yes I am. (giggles)
         Frank  Do you have tattoos, Brad?
          Brad  Certainly not!
         Frank  Oh well, how about you? (to Janet)
         Janet  No. (giggling)
     Riff Raff  Everything is in readiness, master .
                We merely await your (pause)
                word.
         Frank  Tonight, my unconventional conventionists...
                you are to witness a new breakthrough
                in biochemical research...
                and paradise is to be mine...
                It was strange the way it happened...
                suddenly you get a break...
                whole pieces start to fit into place,
                not a sign of being...
                what a fool!
                The answer was there all the time
                it took a small accident to make it happen...
                AN ACCIDENT!
Magenta & Columbia   An accident!
         Frank  And that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient
                that spark
                that is the breath of life...
                Yes,
                I have that knowledge...
                I hold the secret...
                to life... itself!
                You see...
                you are fortunate for tonight is the night that
                my beautiful creature is destined to be born!
                Up now!
                Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator...
                and step up the reactor power three more points!
         Janet  Oh brad!
          Brad  It's all right Janet.
                 Up now
                (colorful fluids, etc. in the order Red, Orange, Yellow,
                 Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet)
                (Rocky emits some guttural garbage)
         Frank  Oh! Rocky!

                Woe is me
         Rocky  The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head,
                And I've got the feeling that someone's gonna be
                cutting the thread.
                Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery.
                Oh, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty
                big downer.
                I woke up this morning
                with a start when I fell out of bed.
           All  That ain't no crime.
         Rocky  And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread.
           All  That ain't no crime.
         Rocky  My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go.
                And all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer.
           All  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
         Rocky  Oh ho no no
           All  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
         Rocky  Oh ho no no
           All  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
         Rocky  Oh ho no no
                The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.
           All  That ain't no crime.
         Rocky  And I've got the feeling that someone's gonna be cutting
                the thread.
           All  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
         Rocky  Oh no no no
           All  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
         Rocky  Oh no no no
           All  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
         Rocky  Oh no no no
                (repeat until end -- Sha-la-la)
           All  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't
                   no crime,
                Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't
                   no crime,
                Sha-la-la.
         Frank  Well really.
                That's no way to behave on your first day out.
         Rocky  Ugh Ugh  (forlornly like a puppy dog)
         Frank  But since you're such an exceptional beauty,
                I am prepared to forgive you.
         Rocky  Ugh Ugh  (applause) (Rocky bangs his bars)
         Frank  Oh, I just love success.
     Riff Raff  He's a credit to your genius, master.
         Frank  Yes.
       Magenta  A triumph of your will.
         Frank  Yes.
      Columbia  He's O.K.
         Frank  O.K.
                (hits tank)
                O.K.!
                I think we can do better than that. Humph!
                Well, Brad and Janet,
                what do you think of him?
         Janet  Well, I don't like a man with too many muscles.
         Frank  I didn't make him... for you!
                He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval.